Although I wouldn't technically categorize Anxiety and Fears as a bad habit, it does belong in the broader category of "Misbehaviors". Because I want the Success On Autopilot System to be a complete Behavior change system, I am including a "Path" (in the step by step process) that allows you to create a plan for dealing with these as well. Today, I'm just going to go over a few broad principles of dealing with this category of Misbehaviors, and how they apply to one specific example of this which I know is near and dear to every community guy's heart: Approach Anxiety.
Principle 1: Punishment Doesn't Work
This is the only type of misbehavior of which this is true. Punishment in every other case of behavior change is an effective method for long term change, and is usually a preferred method because it is one of the only ways to make sure the behavior change is irreversible, and prevent spontaneous recovery.
However, with fears, it turns out this just isn't an effective option. There are several reasons for this, one being that you just end up assoicating whatever you are afraid of with the punishment, just making you more averse to it. Another being that fear of the punishment can feed in to the fear, and make it worse. The worst being that you have no control over your fear reaction, thus making the punishment something that is out of your control... which is a sure way to make punishment not work.
This my seem like an obvious concept, but I tried using exactly this method to get rid of my AA a year or so ago using Tony Robbin's Neuro-Associative Conditioning behavior change program... of course it didn't work.
Principle 2: Irrational Fear is Caused by an Irrational Map of Cause and Effect
This means that in order to get rid of it, all you need to do is change your map of cause and effect. There's several ways you can go about doing this, I recommend using a combination of methods, starting with the easiest and making your way up. I'll give you just a few below.
1. Modeling
Find somebody you can relate to who can do the thing you're afraid of. Simply watch them do the behavior, and see that all the irrational consequences that you were afraid of do not come to pass. The more times you see them do it without the negative consequences of yoru irrational map, the more the map will weaken.
In terms of AA, this would involve going out and watching someone you can relate to in skill level and personality approaching a variety of women.
2.Shaping
Preferrably after doing some sort of modeling, the next step is shaping. This is when you do gradually increasing approximations of the behavior, untill you have finally achieved the behavior itself. As you learn that on each approximation, your irrational fear has still not come to pass, your map gradually begins to change.
In terms of AA, if your desired behavior is to be able to meet a women, hold a conversation 10 minute conversation, and kino escalate, you would start out by asking people for the time. You would do this a few times, then move on to asking for directions. After, you'd introduce yourself then ask for directions. Then, you'd introduce yourself and ask a conversation starting question. Then, you'd lengthen the conversation. Then, you'd gradually introduce kino.
3. Cognitive Restructuring and Value Shifting
This is a process I briefly mentioned yesterday, in which you reshape your values and how they relate to your behaviors. Often, fears will be a result of negative associations with certain experiences. E.g I'm afraid of public speaking, because it could be embarassing if I screw up. or, I'm afraid of approaching, because I will feel rejected if she doesn't like me.
There are two ways to go about cognitive restructuring. One is we, can change the order and intensity of your values, so that your first thought about approaching would be "I'm excited to approach, because I will feel a wonderful connection if she likes me."
The other wayy is to change the way the negative experience relates to behavior. In this case, your first thought would be something along the lies of "I'm afraid not to approach her, because I will feel rejected if she leaves without me talking to her."
To create truly
No comments:
Post a Comment